Today is January 5, 2012, the
beginning of a new year. The occasion of a new year always brings about the
opportunity for a few things. Resolutions of how better to spend, shape, and
chisel our lives in the days to come. Also with the New Year comes opportunity
for reflection on the events of the stellar cycle just completed. Over the past
few days my thoughts have been trapped in a cycle of reflection contemplating
the events, emotions and roads traveled and how God is building us through
these things.
First, just to get this out of the
way one of my resolutions for the days to come is to write on this blog site
more frequently. Our recent visit home to the U.S. revealed just how little
loved ones in our lives knew about what we are doing in Honduras and maybe even
just how little they know about us. This is no fault of their own, just a poor
reflection of our communication with those whom we love so dearly. This is my first attempt toward resolution of
our poor communication.
As I reflected upon the past year;
at the transition of lives from one stage to another, from one place to another,
from one security to another, one emotion stuck out in my thoughts more than
any I might have preferred. I wish it had been peace in knowing that we were in
God's hands, peace in knowing that we were where He wants us, doing what He
would have us do. I wish that my overwhelming emotion had been resolve, resolve
to do the work in which He put in front of us at all costs with courage and
boldness without turning back to look at what might have been or looking ahead
to see what might be, but to just be resolved to stand in each moment and to
slug away with kingdom purpose and urgency.
Unfortunately, the emotion and the thing that I feel like shaped the
past year of my life and has created a cloud of uncertainty in which I still am
trying to navigate is the cloud of grief.
It seems as though the ones we lost and the things that were taken away
and the things that we left behind cast a large emotional shadow that is
difficult to emerge from behind.
In January of 2011 Julie's
grandmother past away, she had battled many ailments over the past years, but
was always a cementing force in her family. The family she left behind is
marked by incredible faith, love and compassion. Her leaving us was our
children's first exposure to death and mortality and loss. It was blow that we
knew was coming, however, try as you might to prepare for the impact, the pain
felt is very real and raw and no matter what the situation leaves you
staggered. A grief.
In February my mother passed away
from cancer. I learned something very stirring from her last days. She had
fought bravely for 3 years, a diagnosis which only promised days. I saw her
actually gain strength as person as she fought. I saw others benefit from that
strength. She became more than just my mother she became a picture of strength
to those she saw in the chemo ward or the oncology office or the nurses and
doctors who treated her. While she seemed to avoid conversations that dealt with
faith, in one particularly stubborn moment while I pleaded with her to move to
my home, she proclaimed, "What I want to do is sit my fanny right here in
this chair until I die and see Jesus". Faith demonstrates itself in different
ways. In her last days, as an infection riddled her body and we sat with her in
the hospital waiting for the moment she would slip from this world I saw
something. I saw that people are just not meant to die. Death is indeed a curse
that came to man after God created us. It is a curse that we cannot out run or outwit
or out engineer or out fight but we will try because it was not for us; it is
abstract, obtuse. We were wired for life, life with God. The life we lead now
in the shadow of death is a result of sin which has only one escape through
Jesus Christ. While I knew her death was coming, my mother had always been,
even in times of disagreement, a great encourager and a source of strength that
I miss greatly on a daily basis. A
grief.
Shortly after my mother's passing
my career and I took separate paths. For years I had struggled to find a place
in the organics market. I felt great highs in the process I felt accomplishment
and for a time I was innovative in my field. The rewards I wanted from my work
eluded me though and the highs and the successes were checked by failures and
disappointments. A life no longer consumed with the business has left a strange
but present hole. A grief.
When we made the decision to come
to Honduras to follow God's call, to follow Christ's command in scripture, and
to follow the conviction placed on us by the Spirit through scripture and
compassion, we made a decision that came with exclusion. Simply meaning, when
we chose this direction in life, we excluded other possibilities. It is simply
not possible to see our family often, it is not possible to worship with the
people we love, it is not possible to maintain relationships the way you would
when you see people on a regular basis. We simply excluded the possibility of
being there in any circumstance. I am not trying to say that there is regret in
our decision but simply that the people in our lives are important and occupy a
huge place in our hearts and we miss them and we deal with missing them every
day. A grief.
Each day here in Siguatepeque I see
desperate people. Around this community within a very short distance are people
who struggle on a daily basis just for sustenance. Within the school where
Julie teaches I see children whose lives are simply void of encouragement,
families who are spread across the world, children who deal with loss and grief
of their own. On the seminary campus where we are working I see a people who
are failing to live and work in the power that God has given us as His
followers. I see gifts and talents go unused, I see voices go unheard because
they don't speak. I see ministry go undone because of fear of offending, or
fear of change, or fear of losing face, or fear of losing position that is not
really ours anyways it is only on loan from God. I see God's people living in
fear. The truth is I saw it home in the U.S. too, I've seen it in my life; I
see it in my life. A grief.
In the upcoming days we as a family
will be making important decisions in regards to our future. Our time in
Honduras ends with the depletion of the budget we set before departing. This
should occur at the end of the school year and we will return to the U.S. in
late June and with this will come some form of grief, it is actually is already
here. We have begun work here in the places where God has put us and we are
trying to do that work with all of the skill and talent that God has granted
us. The seminary by far has much work to be done with crops and with farmers.
The school will see new teachers and the children new sources of instruction,
love, and encouragement. Baseball… who knows yet? A grief.
While I know grief is something
that we all deal with... Sometimes more than others, grief is not for us to be
defeated by or even languished in. The simple fact is that the grief of loss
felt by those who depart us will be overwhelmed by joy at our reunion in the
kingdom. The losses of this world will be replaced by treasures in Heaven and
our defeats will be reconciled by Christ who conquers all.
I know that out there some of you
are reflecting on the year past as well. You too are dealing with and living
through loss and the law of exclusion. You too are troubled by what you see and
trying to function as best you can in it and seeking God's will in each step.
Rest well knowing you are not alone and that there is comfort and opportunity
in these experiences.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-5 Blessed be the God and Father of
our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who
comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who
are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by
God.
The time for preparing to be an
organic farm is over, and the time for doing what we came to do is here. In the
last few days our first field of beans has been harvested. The turnout was poor
but I have learned why and as we continue to cultivate that field, returning
organic matter and micro nutrients to the soil our production will get better
and better. The second much bigger field looks much better and should give us a
decent return in a few weeks. We have begun the third area and in it we have
already planted lettuce, carrots, turnips, zucchini, crook neck squash,
eggplant and tomatoes. This week we will recultivate and add organic material
to the area we just harvested and hopefully be replanting in the next 10 days.
Julie is back to full swing at
school. She told me earlier that there is only 20 weeks left in the school
year. The work load is very heavy for her and it requires much of her time
after school hours. This week we restart devotionals on Fridays for Third and
Fourth grade. Tomorrow Julie and Ethan will be teaching 2 Timothy 2:15 via
puppet show for the entire Elementary School.
